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Impossibility of Yesterday

Apr

April 2013

Impossible.

A word I kept saying about this month. Each day of April could’ve been characterized as a candle burning from two separate ends that just never seemed to burn out. An impossible predicament with an urgent flame biding my attention.

These types of months remind me I’m alive, at the same time reminding me of my own mortality and human frailty.

In April the world saw incomprehensible terror all over the world, some closer to home than many wished. My small problems find there way down to the bottom of the pile of “things” that are more important in the world that bide our attention.

With each moment I found myself in a slight daze as the ‘flame’ grew closer to my hand.

I found myself stopping to watch the world around me for just a split second and bask in the surreality of the moment. I woke each morning marveling in the impossibility of yesterday.

The good thing about “yesterday’s” is that there’s always a tomorrow, even a today. The impossible ‘yesterday’ gave way for a possible ‘tomorrow’ and a ‘today’ that bade our attention with an open hand.

Sometimes I find myself in the impossibility of yesterday instead of the promise of today. A promise that together, we can make things better.

The impossible just doesn’t feel that impossible anymore, and the possible is just around the corner.

I promise.
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If You Only Walk Long Enough

Apr

MarchHeader

March 2013

Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.

I try not to be too ethereal with how I describe each month, but it’s hard to not feel that way about some months and experiences. March was filled with many days of travel “to-and-fro” with plenty of time to think and write. I think that’s why I like traveling so much. It is the time I’m allowed to think and gaze at the sky for a while.

With traveling there’s always a direction, a point of interest or a goal. When I was a kid I would go on great adventures through family vacations. One particular one I remember was when my family went to Niagara Falls. We took various routes of transportation from driving to Missouri, Flying to Cleveland and Driving the rest of the way through the North-East.

At one point, my Mom directed my Dad onto a road in the atlas (before GPS and iPhones) that looked like a highway. It wasn’t. The dark green road on the map was a “scenic route“, so as we left Ohio and began to go into Pennsylvania we found ourselves still on the road heading in the right direction, just not quite in the direction we originally planned to go.

Sometime we don’t know it, but another route is a better one. This scenic route took us through the farmland of Amish communities and allowed us to see, learn and experience something we would have never seen from the highway.

Sometimes we don’t feel like we have a destination, and our foot on the gas pedal hoping the next stop is right.

A particular exchange Alice in Wonderland strikes me as a relevant illustration:

[Alice comes to a Fork in the Road]

“Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”

“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.

“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.

“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.

“–so long as I get SOMEWHERE,” Alice added as an explanation.

“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”

Alice didn’t have a destination in mind, all she had was the desire to go somewhere.

Sometimes we don’t care much where we’re going, and we find ourselves just wanting to walk in any direction. Sure we’ll learn something and we’ll get ‘somewhere’, but that doesn’t mean we’re going anywhere worthwhile. Being too focused on the ‘going somewhere’ without a destination is just as bad as being hell-bent on a single destination we forget to take in the scenery.

As I pass through the mountains, drive through the flat plains, and find another mountain range ready to be conquered; the roads surely get as windy as the rivers and creek beds they follow. I’ve got the destination in mind, a scenic route out my passengers side window, and a circled destination on a map.

It’s three months into 2013, and we’re going somewhere.

Let’s hope the road passes through you.

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Plan for things to not go to Plan

Feb

February 2013

Seeing my Shadow.

Presidents Birthdays, Valentines Day and Superbowl parties aside this month has really squeezed a lot into 28 days. February seems to be the time of the year when we catch speed and accelerate after a sluggish month of forgetting to write 2013 on checks and other important documents. It’s officially the new year, no longer the beginning, past our 30 day expiry date of resolutions and grand plans.

Transition is over, the year begins.

The winter still blustered on with hints of an early Spring even when Punxatawny Phil saw his shadow. What can we expect from February? Continuance of how great January was, and hope for the rest of the year. I expected a lot, and much was given.
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It was just not in ways I was expecting. Very often, my plan has to involve a plan that my plan will not go to plan. A little paradoxical, but truly such is life. We can only plan so much, and everything else that happens is out of our hands.

The story of February has been just that. Watching my plans ‘fall apart’ under the guise of seeing the true path set out ahead. I don’t fear the future, I welcome my future failed plans, and path ahead.

I welcome the plans I didn’t plan to have.
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I can’t predict six more weeks of winter just like I can’t predict where life will be taking me in six weeks. As much as I want to hope for such clairvoyance I know the best comes from us when we strive towards the unknown with our head lifted up to the rising sun, the coming spring and the future plans.
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So now, I plan...

For my plans to change.

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Where Do I Begin?

Feb

January 2013

I’m so human.

Not invincible, nor indestructible. This past month has had me scared out of my whits and grinning from ear to ear from one moment to the next. Nothing like an eventful January to tip off another year in ‘the life’. I tend to want to claim and know where the beginnings of friendships, ideas, etc., which makes a new year something I find comforting. Comforting in the fact that I quantify and understand when and how something is, or begins.

So, where do I begin?

I woke up January 1, 2013 with a few things in mind some of those things new and others were re-runs of last year. Great plans for exciting projects, ideas to improve on the year before flowed out of me. I was ready to make each day count, make each day the best it could be.

I found a few phrases jostling around in my head:

What do you Seek?
Pursue Friendship
Choose Joy

All of these stemming from a place where my heart and mind become one. These “phrases” swirled around my head like electrons furiously spinning around the nucleus of an atom. All I can hope and believe is that these three phrases can help me as I begin what will almost certainly be a tumultuous year filled with good things, difficult decisions and late nights.

On top of those things, my pastor, said something simple that struck me in an odd way:

“Your hands were not made for you.”

It was simple, and no one else around me seemed to have their head spinning, but I stared at my hands and thought, yeah, of course they’re not made for me, Why haven’t I thought about that much before? My hands ARE made to serve others and not made for my own pleasure.

So often we think in a selfish way about the things we claim as our own, whether that be food, clothing, belongings or personality. We find our ‘humanity’ in the things we claim as our own and the things that define us. This is common, it’s a typically human trait…. BUT Where do I base my humanity, where do I find my hope, joy? Our humanity tends to have this two-fold nature that shows our unending brokenness and our immense potential for greatness.

I will seek this year to use my hands for others in 2013, and not for myself, extending my potential through serving others rather than serving the selfish nature inside of me.

Seems like a good place to begin.

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“end, beginning, the in-between”

Dec

December 2012

Roller-Coasters aren’t this up and downy.

When plans are made I should usually plan for things to never go according to plan. However whenever plan for things to not go as planned that would be too well planned out as well. The conundrum continues.

December was the end of another year, the 13th Baktun (Mayan Calendar), and the beginning of many different things. During the “scare” that the world would end on December 21st I kept reading multiple article talking about how some people perceive time. Some linear, circular and other more wibbly wobbly timey wimey.

So although some may see December as an end, others will see it as an end and me, I see it as just the in-between.

December was just the end of such a timultuous year, however it’s the beginning of an even newer year. But lastly, it’s just the in-between what’s next and what’s already happened.

Can’t complain, nor would I want to.

Happy New Year, Happy Old Year, Happy In-Between!

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Album of the month

For this month I thought I’d look back if there was anything I missed. There was of course. Here’s a group I shouldn’t have missed, but I surely did. The entire album is stellar. Pulsating fun.

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“here’s to the wilderness”

Nov

November 2012

Wax Poetic.

Pardon my desire for the prosaic and verbose, that just seems to be my nature this month. The changing of seasons and cold breezes tend to create a musical interlude from my day to day. I could just watch the leaves play in the wind until they break from their stems and fall wistfully to the earth. November sent a graceful chill through my bones giving way for the oncoming winter.

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Fall has been kind to me.

Some despise the chill that follows the change of seasons, but I welcome it with open arms and a scarf around my neck. My sweater collection is finally feeling useful again. With my beard growing in fuller and itchier I felt the need to cut something, so I cut the hair on my head instead of the hair on my face. It worked out, with a little help on the back of my head.

6 a.m. campfires and mountain sunrises can make any man weak in the knees. Surely I’m smitten, but my heart can only bear so much. It’s a good thing sunrises don’t last all day. Although, I do miss them when they leave.

Although my family lives in a different state, I’m thankful for the family I’ve got nearby. Thankful for the community I have seen build around me and the people I know longer call just friends, but brothers and sisters. With a full heart, I look forward to the end; the sunset.

I still don’t know what to make of it…

But, just as the leaves fall and the year begins its crawl to the end, I know the sun always sets so it can bring another day. Another day to be thankful, another day to watch another 6 a.m. sunrise, light a fire, and wander through the rabbit trails and wilderness of tomorrow.

Here’s to wilderness.

Here’s to the coming morning.

album of the month

A month before Christmas is a good time to tell you of a little Christmas album by most likely my favorite artist, Sufjan Stevens. I like the Christmas Albums, but I’d like him to put out another great album so I can jam to some more new things. I may just be too greedy when it comes to Sufjan’s music.

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“you rejoice, I complain”

Nov

October 2012

I shouldn’t complain.

October is my favorite month. I say that every year, I might as well get a tattoo to prove it. It really is though. Favorite month out of all 12. There is no doubt.

I’ve traveled many miles this past October in the air, on the road and back again. I really should pay my landlord for storage fees versus rent. It’s been a month that’s stretched me and forced me to put more that seven days in a week and 24 hours in a day. But, I shouldn’t complain, it’s something my friend Connor reminded me of.

My mind and heart have been wrapped up in staying busy, active because I “need” something to do. I had plenty to do this month, more than enough for two of me. Quite a shift from my month of being stretched for a minute of some sort of noise. So needless to say I’m still looking for my middle way.

As I drove through the Ozark mountains in a giant “people-mover”, the sun began to set and the light shined through the leaves that have just begun to show their color here in Arkansas, and all my complaints went away. All the yawns from exhaustion all the backed-up e-mails all of the things I “needed to do” left me.

As October continued and the dark nights got longer, the days got shorter and trees a little bit barer my worries became less so. I don’t have a thing to complain about, not because my month was so great (which it was), but because those things don’t need to be complained for. I forgot about the “greater things” that I keep forgetting to remember. To quote my favorite quote from a Ryan Reynolds movie:

“Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.” -Van Wilder

I’m always thankful for October in November. I’m glad to remember it every year.

album of the month

Andrew Bird. He Whistles, how can you not like a guy that whistles. It’s been a while since Mr. Bird has released a more accessible album and not so experimental album. Glad that he did, so I can suggest it to you. When have I steered you wrong on music. When? When? Never… Probably.

Andrew Bird ~ Hands of Glory

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“the noise of Your waterfalls”

Oct

August/September 2012

I’m back. If you’re wondering where I went, try here and here.

Other than that, here’s a short update on the past two months:

August/

Beginnings.

Always the beginning of the school year, always the start of something. August seems to be that for me. One Weekend helping people move, another weekend to a wedding where I don’t know the bride or groom, first weekend for all of my students and another weekend with stories better told when the sun goes down and the cool night air settles.

August brings a hopeful morning, where the only damper is the morning dew. It brought excitement and promise and I take it with me like I always do looking at my traditional August to May as a challenge to see what I can do, and how each tomorrow comes faster when you work for each today.

I forget what happened all of this month, I know I danced more that I thought I would and slept less than I wanted.

Overall a good month.

September/

Techless and Tactless.

My conventional mode of conversing was left at home and my GPS became written down directions in a note pad. Truly a strange feeling. My Magic Wand (as my friend Liz calls it) stayed in my kitchen as a real phone, not all that silly “smart-phone” but rather a cordless phone.

I traveled home to see family, and had a few epiphanies. As September usually tends to go.

With my normal pathways of communication un-usable I was forced to find a new way to interact and exist in a world pushing the envelope of technological interaction. A step back was good, so I could mentally take a few steps forward. Without tech I was left to tact, clumsy tact, but what’s new; I’m still in my clumsy stage.

I’m not sure if in the midst of September I listened better or the words were just louder, maybe both.

Listening is something we rarely do, often today we keep trying to talk our way out or into something. I remember being a kid and my parents always asking me: “Are you listening?” Because often I was busy with my hands and outwardly looked like I wasn’t listening. However, I was. I didn’t win “Listening Skills” competitions in Elementary School as a fluke. (No I’m serious, Texas schools make competition out of everything.)

My thoughts go to a verse:

“Deep calls unto deep at the noise of Your waterfalls;
All Your waves and billows have gone over me.”

Psalm 42:7

This month was whelming and as I opened my ears to listen. Deep called, noise broke and the waves continued to roll.

September was good.

I’m done talking about it; time to listen to October.

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Album(s) of the Month(s)

I’ve been waiting for both of these albums for a while, from the first time I heard the Avett Brothers in a friends car in Asheville, NC or when I heard Mumford & Sons live and sealed the deal for top band at Memphis in May 2011.

It shouldn’t be a surprise they’re on here together, and why I’m debating selling my electric guitar for a banjo very seriously…. very seriously.

Avett Brothers ~ The Carpenter

Mumford & Sons ~ Babel

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“sometimes we need to wake up…”

Aug

July 2012

(sorry this is 20 days late, ‘heavy’ content warning ahead)

Something greater.

I had a lot of trouble this July trying to find something that properly sums up my feelings about the happenings in my own life and the world, but I haven’t been able to string words together that indelibly describes where my emotions and thoughts intertwine. So forgive me, the English language is failing me this month.

I don’t get it.

I’m not sure I ever will.

When shots ring out in Aurora, massacres go barely reported in Syria, massive power losses in India and countless other tragedies, our insignificant stories about waiting in lines for over 30 minutes, stolen cameras and busted iPhones become insignificant.

Does it matter if I eat a chicken sandwich or not? Likely not, the world keeps turning, and we follow the rabbit to wonderland rather than deal with the life at hand and the real problems in the world. We fill our fingers, eyes and ears with constant chatter from the internet, tv and our mobile devices. I’m guilty of this too, maybe even more than you.

We’re all looking for something, reaching for something to fulfill us. That next something, a happy meal, a new workout, someone to make us feel like we think we want to feel. All of these things don’t do it, if they did we wouldn’t keep searching or crave something else.

Sometimes we need to wake up, and realize there is something greater.

I’m not sorry for being so serious, because these are the things that are rattling around in my head. Life, sadly, isn’t easy. The tough, tragic and heart-wrenching things are what make up those things that matter more. I hope there’s no question of my faith and devotion to my Christ my LORD, and I hope I’ve inferred enough for you to understand this “something greater” is simply that relationship with HIM. However I’ll state it strong if you so desire.

Something greater isn’t possible without Faith in Christ. Something greater is Faith in Christ.

I’m not talking about awareness of tragedy, or empathy or moral nature. I don’t doubt you see the tragedy in the world and pang for those affected. I am even susceptible to falling into an unfocused state of personal selfishness, in fact I think I’m likely the worst of that. However, I need something greater to focus my gaze, and hone my perspective.

July was hard, because I’m not perfect.

I’m fairly certain I’ll never be.

album of the month

It’s been awhile since I’ve had impromptu dance parties anywhere to Passion Pit, but that time has come again. A different style of album, it doesn’t disappoint. I’ve been rocking it since it’s release.

Passion Pit ~ Gossamer

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“past, present and future tense…”

Jul

June 2012

Skin-Walkers.

Quite an eventful month, and I’m not sure where all the days went. The days have felt long, but the weeks and months shorter and shorter. Traveled on a short trip to see people, places and re-energize. Worked hard for the money, and had family come visit from a far away place, my hometown. All of this,is my present. Presently going new places, while I’m between the places I call home.

On my trip, I sat down to breakfast in a mountain town, with an old friend from high school. She told me about her conquests in life since we had last met and how she had been climbing at many 14,000 ft peaks as she could muster in the small amount of time she had. She mentioned a story about what are called the skin-walkers. A native american legend that many of her former students claimed to be real.

A skin-walker had extroidinairy ability and was often seen running around the deserts in full body paint. They could run faster than any man. Native American lore has always fascinated me, from the time my parents told me the story of Tucumcari, NM. However true the lore was, the stories were always something I loved. We spent time talking about time from our old days back in our hometown. Our present state’s so drastically different and yet we looked at each-other as a familiar past. She said to me, “You haven’t changed. I like that.” I was looking into my past, just as she saw me in our present.

With my family coming to visit I rustled up as many ideas as I could to entertain them while in Jonesboro. The days passed and the moments were shared from one laugh, story and tour of my present state of being. One thing that I am always reminded is I am very much like my Grand-pop in looks when he was my age. Maybe a bit taller, but overall same look. (He did tell me that beards weren’t in style when he was younger).

A man from another generation, but the same family. I can look in the mirror 60 years from now just by looking at my Grand-pop. This is my future. If I am ever-so-lucky to be the man that he is.

We are seldom so lucky to be able to look into our past and future while we stand in the present. Seldom do I get the chance to explore this past, present and future tense.

June is a good time for this to occur. As I look forward to the rest of 2012, and back at what has already been. It has moved so quickly, there are days and moments I wish I could get back. There are also things to come that can’t come quick enough. Life never seems to move at the right speed. If only I was like the Skin-walkers. With extraordinary ability and speed to control my own destiny and past.

One of these day’s I’ll finally “get it” and:

I will Live for my Present.

Value who I have been in the Past.

And Strive to be as great of man as my Future can hold.

album of the month

The Tallest Man on Earth. Actually a very short man, but a man I will compare to the great Bob Dylan any day. This album is a bit more electric than his past albums, but still good. A man with a guitar and an audience. All you need for quality music.

The Tallest Man on Earth ~ There’s No Leaving Now

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Archive for Update

Impossibility of Yesterday

April 2013

If You Only Walk Long Enough

March 2013

Plan for things to not go to Plan

February 2013

Where Do I Begin?

January 2013

“end, beginning, the in-between”

December 2012

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Album of the month

“here’s to the wilderness”

November 2012

album of the month

“you rejoice, I complain”

October 2012

album of the month

“the noise of Your waterfalls”

August/September 2012

Album(s) of the Month(s)

“sometimes we need to wake up…”

July 2012

album of the month

“past, present and future tense…”

June 2012

album of the month

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